Castiel stopped at the top of the steps, preparing himself for the walk down, before he finally swung open the door. It had been three weeks since he'd been freed from Lucifer's influence, the archangel ascending and leaving him behind. He'd absconded ostensibly over the fact that he was exhausted from the experience, but Dean and Sam both knew the truth about what Castiel had done - or at least what Lucifer had done, while wearing him - and he wasn't anywhere closer to forgiving himself.
He couldn't stay away forever, though, not despite his best efforts. Dean called him, and Cas knew that despite the claim that it was business, he knew he was going to get cornered when he turned up, that this was going to be a confrontation - an ambush - of some kind.
He held his nerve as he pushed open the door, though his heart was going a million miles an hour, and walked slowly down the stairs.
Sam was out, it had taken Dean an hour to convince his little brother that he really didn't want to be there for this conversation. It was going to be hard enough he feared. Dean had spent the last fifteen minutes or so trying to make sure he didn't just run and hide when Cas showed up. On one hand he understood why and subsequently the Darkness had been defeated, but on the other...well, they both know what happened.
Dean hears the door open and steps on the stairs. He glances up from the table where he is currently sitting and drinking a cup of coffee. He'd taken to hot drinks almost as much as booze what with trying to keep his body warm from the cold and numbness ensconcing it since that night.
Castiel's voice..no longer tinged with Lucifer's arrogance and coldness washed over Dean and made his eyes prickle with tears. He swallowed heavily and forced them back. He refused to cry...not right now.
"Over here, Cas." Dean replied, voice tense and thick. He hadn't seen Cas since the end of the battle. He and Sam had been left to pick themselves up and clean up their own wounds. He was mostly healed now save for a few bruises and several scratches that were still scabbed over.
Oh, it was definitely an ambush. Sam wasn't here, there was just Dean sitting at the table alone, waiting for him, and Castiel faltered on the steps, hesitating halfway down. He put his hands down into his pockets, so Dean couldn't see his knuckles going white as he clenched his hands into fists at his sides.
It was his fault. After what had happened, he deserved to be raked over the coals for what he'd done, torn to pieces. If he hadn't been so weak, then Dean would have been safe. Lucifer had come after him because he meant so much to Castiel, after all; there was no other reason.
And what he'd done...what he'd put Dean through? There was no forgiveness for that.
His eyes hung low, and he stepped off the last few steps like he was walking right into Hell itself. Again. He approached the table slowly, hovering right far away on the other side of the table.
"You should sit down, Cas...we need to talk." Dean forced himself to say. He knows they can't have the conversation like this...with Cas standing above him. No, they need to be equals but Dean knows he can't do this standing up. He's pretty sure he would fall over if he tried to walk right now.
"It's been a while...huh?" Dean asked, stalling to let his nerves settle a bit more. "You look better." Better than he head when Lucifer left him at any rate. It hurt, seeing him before him looking like a kicked puppy. Dean felt a surge of justifiable anger...because Cas was the reason he was hurt and yet here he was looking as though he was the victim.
Then anger left almost as soon as it flared leaving him feeling a little hollow and cold. He took another sip of his coffee letting it warm him up from the inside out.
Castiel didn't want to sit. He wanted to turn invisible, or fly away, or sink through the ground, hide under the table--anything not to have to look right at Dean.
So he sunk down slowly into the chair like it was going to eat him, feeling the misery rising off Dean and knowing full well that he'd put it there. Dean was hurting. Dean was hurting because Castiel had let Lucifer do those things to him. He could have thrown him out, they'd have never have defeated the Darkness, but Dean wouldn't be looking at him the way he was, or feeling the way he was.
He still wanted the ground to swallow him up.
"I'm sorry," he began, like it even scratched the surface.
Avoiding Dean wouldn't help their situation at all. No, Castiel wasn't a coward and if Dean knew how badly the angel wanted to leave it might have hurt his feelings. He wanted Cas to fight for them. Yes, their first time had been stolen from them, but Dean Winchester knew well enough how short life could be and he knew that if they had any chance to get past this they needed to do it now.
"Cas..." Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he tried to get his thoughts together. "You made a mistake...it happens...I'll live. I'll heal. Will you?"
"I didn't make a mistake, Dean, like I miswrote my name in a missive. I let him--"
He blanched at his own anger, dropping his own eyes again, looking down at the tabletop. His hands were in his pockets, but he pulled them out slowly, laying them on the table and curling the fingers of one hand across the fist of his other hand.
"He didn't break me Cas. He didn't." Dean tried to sound strong, he tried to make Cas believe it as much as he did himself. He had to believe he was just damaged...not broken. If he was broken then there was no hope for them or for him.
"Yeah...it hurts...yeah...it's raw and unfair. He took something from us both...but at least we're both still here. At least we survived and he's gone." Dean didn't comment on the fact that Cas could have stopped it. He didn't like to think that it could have been prevented but it was Castiel's stubbornness that prevented that. "Right?" His green eyes glistened slightly and he looked over at his angel afraid Cas would leave him again.
Gone, yes. Gone from inside Castiel; gone, but for how long? Castiel didn't know how Dean could try so hard to draw him back from his melancholy, after everything. How could Dean summon such strength when Castiel couldn't even raise it himself? He knew he'd betrayed Dean, but Dean wasn't raising it, wasn't even shouting at him about it, and he should be.
Dean always forgave him. Sometimes it seemed to take forever, but in the end that forgiveness always, always came round. He just didn't feel like he deserved it this time.
He stared at Dean for a moment longer, then stepped ever so carefully toward him.
"But what he took from us-- We can't get that back."
"No, we can't get that back." Dean sniffled but he tried to hide it. He looked away from Castiel for a moment before returning his gaze to his friends. "But I need you Cas, I need you to be here beside me. You're my best friend...and I love you." Dean admitted softly. He did love him, had for years now but he had been way to afraid to admit it out loud...or even to himself.
"Please...tell me we can try...tell me we can work past this together." His tone was pleading. He needed Cas to forgive him for letting Lucifer ruin them. Yes he knows Cas has blame, most of it in fact, but Dean is far from blameless. He needed his friend back in any capacity he could get him.
I love you, Dean said, and Castiel's heart broke just a little bit. He'd known that, but he'd never expected Dean to actually say it.
He stared at Dean quietly, watched him almost break down, and then he stepped in toward him, placed his hand on Dean's shoulder and looked at him imploringly.
"Yes," he said, softly. "Yes, we can try. I mean--I mean, we can. Of course we can."
He dipped his eyes, miserably. Dean would have to close the rest of the distance himself.
Deans hand moved up to clasp Castiel's on his shoulder. He gave a weak smile and nodded. "Sit down...please?" Dean asked. Cas was still standing over him and he had a feeling it would be better if they talked honestly and face to face.
"We can sit on the couch maybe....it would be more comfortable."
"Anything you want," he agreed, which was the best he could offer under the circumstances. He stepped forward slowly, then past Dean, moving over toward the couch that Dean and Sam rarely used. He sat down on it slowly, leaving plenty of room for Dean to sit in either direction, as far or as close as he wanted to be.
Dean followed, wiping his face free of the few stubborn tears of relief that fell. Cas hadn't seen them thankfully. He sat down close enough that their knees touched but that was it. He folded his hands and rested his elbows near his knees.
"Yeah...you are." Dean agreed solmnly. "I understand why you did it...or rather why you thought you had too. You think you're expendable. But you're not Cas...you really aren't." Dean struggled and swallowed a few times. Talking feelings wasn't something he was good at and it made him uncomfortable in at least several dozen different ways. He swallowed again and tried to explain further.
"I've been there...it was why I sold my soul, why I took the mark...why I tried to say yes to Michael after I was shown what could happen unless I agreed. Cas I...." Dean sghed and ran a hand over his head trying to find the words to convey what he was feeling and finding none. "I'm sorry...I'm terrible at this..."
Castiel was ashamed, and he made it very clear that he was in the way he looked away. He had believed it--and why shouldn't he? He was expendable. He wasn't Sam and Dean, and the people around them died fighting for good. Sooner or later that would be his fate too, so shouldn't he get the chance to decide when that would be?
But Dean's words brought it all home how selfish that had been. It hadn't saved anyone, in the end, not when Dean had sold his soul, or when he'd taken the mark, or when Castiel had said yes to Lucifer. None of it had ever made the world better.
Dean hesitated for a moment before he let his hand slipped over to grasp the angels. "Do you know what one of the biggest things I regret is? When that douche Gadreel convinced me to turn you away when you needed me the most. I let him bully me into casting you aside when you fell and were human. You slept in a fucking closet at a gas station, Cas. What the hell kind of best friend does that? You deserve someone better than me...but I can't let you go. I need you. I know I've said it before..but it's true. I need you with me." Dean said softly trying to make Cas understand what he was trying to say.
Castiel didn't need to say that he understood, or that there hadn't been another option. He understood it now, that Sam's survival had meant more than what Castiel was going through. He'd survived. It should be enough--but he'd been tortured, assaulted, and something had been taken away from him that he hadn't ever been able to get back, just like it had been taken away from Dean by Lucifer.
But Dean invited him back into his life after everything he'd done before and since. The hand on his hand.
"Even so I... I don't know how you can stand to touch me after what I did."
"Because it wasn't you, Cas. You didn't come here and threaten me and blackmail me into sex. You were as much a victim as I was." Dean said with a heavy sigh. "I mean...I get it...you could have stopped it...and I understand why you didn't. I survived...we survived. We're survivors." Dean whispers. "And we'll figure this out..right?"
But Dean was good at surviving, really. Castiel's experience, somehow, was similar in its own way. He should believe Dean. But this was emotional, not physical survival. God couldn't just put them back together.
He looked down at their hands, frowning, then carefully reached out, turning Dean's over gently, tracing his fingers against the center of his palm.
Dean didn't really like how down Cas seemed. "Cas?" He asked softly, a note of concern. I mean Cas knows how he feels...he's said way much more than he usually does. "Do you think...we won't?" He was terrified of his answer. If Cas didn't want him he wasn't sure he would be able to handle it. It had taken so long to admit it and now he feared it would be too late. He hated Lucifer for what had happened. How he manipulated Castiel, desperate to save his friends and the world he loved. He hated him more than he hated anything else.
He looked down at their hands as Cas started to traces his palm, obviously thinking deeply.
"We'll survive," he murmured, softly, still just looking down at their hands. He didn't dare raise his eyes. The way Dean was looking at him like his heart would break if Cas said the wrong thing was hard, and Castiel needed to reassure him.
He kept tracing the lines for a moment, then released Dean's hand, reaching up to lay his fingers against his cheek and immediately bending in to kiss him. He should have done it a long time ago, and all waiting would do would be to leave another opportunity for something to come between them.
Dean leaned into Castiel's hand when it cupped his cheek. He let his eyes close, absorbing the moment when he felt lips touch his own. He gave a soft gasp and after a moment of shock pressed closer into the kiss. Their first kiss, untainted by some asshat riding Cas like a pony. Dean reached out, a hand going around Castiel's shoulders and pulling him a bit closer. This moment was a long time coming and he intended to savor it.
That was what it was, wasn't it? A first kiss--their first kiss. Lucifer was gone, and that just left Castiel trying to make up for what he'd failed to do before. His hand pressed back across Dean's cheek, sank into his hair, and he bent right up into it, tangling his fingers deeply in place, to anchor himself there.
He didn't hang about kissing his lips, but pressed his body against Dean's, slanting his mouth against him so that he could better beg for entrance with the lash of his tongue. He was eager to melt into him, meld with him, and never break away. Anything Dean wanted. Anything to make up for what had happened with Lucifer.
Dean slipped backwards, the momentum Cas generated by pressing as close as he could made it easy to let himself lean against the soft cushions. He moaned softly into the kiss, his mouth opening to the questing tongue of the angel above him. His hands tugged at Castiel's trench coat. Cas was wearing way to many clothes for his liking. While he didn't intend to go all the way...not tonight...he did want to be closer to him.
Dean was willing to do whatever he needed to do to assure Cas of just how important he was and how much the green eyed hunter loved him. "Please, Cas...don't stop."
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He couldn't stay away forever, though, not despite his best efforts. Dean called him, and Cas knew that despite the claim that it was business, he knew he was going to get cornered when he turned up, that this was going to be a confrontation - an ambush - of some kind.
He held his nerve as he pushed open the door, though his heart was going a million miles an hour, and walked slowly down the stairs.
"Sam? Dean?"
if I need to change this, let me know.
Dean hears the door open and steps on the stairs. He glances up from the table where he is currently sitting and drinking a cup of coffee. He'd taken to hot drinks almost as much as booze what with trying to keep his body warm from the cold and numbness ensconcing it since that night.
Castiel's voice..no longer tinged with Lucifer's arrogance and coldness washed over Dean and made his eyes prickle with tears. He swallowed heavily and forced them back. He refused to cry...not right now.
"Over here, Cas." Dean replied, voice tense and thick. He hadn't seen Cas since the end of the battle. He and Sam had been left to pick themselves up and clean up their own wounds. He was mostly healed now save for a few bruises and several scratches that were still scabbed over.
nope it's good!
It was his fault. After what had happened, he deserved to be raked over the coals for what he'd done, torn to pieces. If he hadn't been so weak, then Dean would have been safe. Lucifer had come after him because he meant so much to Castiel, after all; there was no other reason.
And what he'd done...what he'd put Dean through? There was no forgiveness for that.
His eyes hung low, and he stepped off the last few steps like he was walking right into Hell itself. Again. He approached the table slowly, hovering right far away on the other side of the table.
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"It's been a while...huh?" Dean asked, stalling to let his nerves settle a bit more. "You look better." Better than he head when Lucifer left him at any rate. It hurt, seeing him before him looking like a kicked puppy. Dean felt a surge of justifiable anger...because Cas was the reason he was hurt and yet here he was looking as though he was the victim.
Then anger left almost as soon as it flared leaving him feeling a little hollow and cold. He took another sip of his coffee letting it warm him up from the inside out.
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So he sunk down slowly into the chair like it was going to eat him, feeling the misery rising off Dean and knowing full well that he'd put it there. Dean was hurting. Dean was hurting because Castiel had let Lucifer do those things to him. He could have thrown him out, they'd have never have defeated the Darkness, but Dean wouldn't be looking at him the way he was, or feeling the way he was.
He still wanted the ground to swallow him up.
"I'm sorry," he began, like it even scratched the surface.
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"Cas..." Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he tried to get his thoughts together. "You made a mistake...it happens...I'll live. I'll heal. Will you?"
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He blanched at his own anger, dropping his own eyes again, looking down at the tabletop. His hands were in his pockets, but he pulled them out slowly, laying them on the table and curling the fingers of one hand across the fist of his other hand.
"I felt it when he broke you."
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"Yeah...it hurts...yeah...it's raw and unfair. He took something from us both...but at least we're both still here. At least we survived and he's gone." Dean didn't comment on the fact that Cas could have stopped it. He didn't like to think that it could have been prevented but it was Castiel's stubbornness that prevented that. "Right?" His green eyes glistened slightly and he looked over at his angel afraid Cas would leave him again.
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Dean always forgave him. Sometimes it seemed to take forever, but in the end that forgiveness always, always came round. He just didn't feel like he deserved it this time.
He stared at Dean for a moment longer, then stepped ever so carefully toward him.
"But what he took from us-- We can't get that back."
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"Please...tell me we can try...tell me we can work past this together." His tone was pleading. He needed Cas to forgive him for letting Lucifer ruin them. Yes he knows Cas has blame, most of it in fact, but Dean is far from blameless. He needed his friend back in any capacity he could get him.
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He stared at Dean quietly, watched him almost break down, and then he stepped in toward him, placed his hand on Dean's shoulder and looked at him imploringly.
"Yes," he said, softly. "Yes, we can try. I mean--I mean, we can. Of course we can."
He dipped his eyes, miserably. Dean would have to close the rest of the distance himself.
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"We can sit on the couch maybe....it would be more comfortable."
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He really hoped it was close.
"I'm a coward, Dean. I'm sorry."
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"Yeah...you are." Dean agreed solmnly. "I understand why you did it...or rather why you thought you had too. You think you're expendable. But you're not Cas...you really aren't." Dean struggled and swallowed a few times. Talking feelings wasn't something he was good at and it made him uncomfortable in at least several dozen different ways. He swallowed again and tried to explain further.
"I've been there...it was why I sold my soul, why I took the mark...why I tried to say yes to Michael after I was shown what could happen unless I agreed. Cas I...." Dean sghed and ran a hand over his head trying to find the words to convey what he was feeling and finding none. "I'm sorry...I'm terrible at this..."
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But Dean's words brought it all home how selfish that had been. It hadn't saved anyone, in the end, not when Dean had sold his soul, or when he'd taken the mark, or when Castiel had said yes to Lucifer. None of it had ever made the world better.
"You're not as bad at it as I am."
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But Dean invited him back into his life after everything he'd done before and since. The hand on his hand.
"Even so I... I don't know how you can stand to touch me after what I did."
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But Dean was good at surviving, really. Castiel's experience, somehow, was similar in its own way. He should believe Dean. But this was emotional, not physical survival. God couldn't just put them back together.
He looked down at their hands, frowning, then carefully reached out, turning Dean's over gently, tracing his fingers against the center of his palm.
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He looked down at their hands as Cas started to traces his palm, obviously thinking deeply.
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He kept tracing the lines for a moment, then released Dean's hand, reaching up to lay his fingers against his cheek and immediately bending in to kiss him. He should have done it a long time ago, and all waiting would do would be to leave another opportunity for something to come between them.
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He didn't hang about kissing his lips, but pressed his body against Dean's, slanting his mouth against him so that he could better beg for entrance with the lash of his tongue. He was eager to melt into him, meld with him, and never break away. Anything Dean wanted. Anything to make up for what had happened with Lucifer.
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Dean was willing to do whatever he needed to do to assure Cas of just how important he was and how much the green eyed hunter loved him. "Please, Cas...don't stop."