"No, we can't get that back." Dean sniffled but he tried to hide it. He looked away from Castiel for a moment before returning his gaze to his friends. "But I need you Cas, I need you to be here beside me. You're my best friend...and I love you." Dean admitted softly. He did love him, had for years now but he had been way to afraid to admit it out loud...or even to himself.
"Please...tell me we can try...tell me we can work past this together." His tone was pleading. He needed Cas to forgive him for letting Lucifer ruin them. Yes he knows Cas has blame, most of it in fact, but Dean is far from blameless. He needed his friend back in any capacity he could get him.
I love you, Dean said, and Castiel's heart broke just a little bit. He'd known that, but he'd never expected Dean to actually say it.
He stared at Dean quietly, watched him almost break down, and then he stepped in toward him, placed his hand on Dean's shoulder and looked at him imploringly.
"Yes," he said, softly. "Yes, we can try. I mean--I mean, we can. Of course we can."
He dipped his eyes, miserably. Dean would have to close the rest of the distance himself.
Deans hand moved up to clasp Castiel's on his shoulder. He gave a weak smile and nodded. "Sit down...please?" Dean asked. Cas was still standing over him and he had a feeling it would be better if they talked honestly and face to face.
"We can sit on the couch maybe....it would be more comfortable."
"Anything you want," he agreed, which was the best he could offer under the circumstances. He stepped forward slowly, then past Dean, moving over toward the couch that Dean and Sam rarely used. He sat down on it slowly, leaving plenty of room for Dean to sit in either direction, as far or as close as he wanted to be.
Dean followed, wiping his face free of the few stubborn tears of relief that fell. Cas hadn't seen them thankfully. He sat down close enough that their knees touched but that was it. He folded his hands and rested his elbows near his knees.
"Yeah...you are." Dean agreed solmnly. "I understand why you did it...or rather why you thought you had too. You think you're expendable. But you're not Cas...you really aren't." Dean struggled and swallowed a few times. Talking feelings wasn't something he was good at and it made him uncomfortable in at least several dozen different ways. He swallowed again and tried to explain further.
"I've been there...it was why I sold my soul, why I took the mark...why I tried to say yes to Michael after I was shown what could happen unless I agreed. Cas I...." Dean sghed and ran a hand over his head trying to find the words to convey what he was feeling and finding none. "I'm sorry...I'm terrible at this..."
Castiel was ashamed, and he made it very clear that he was in the way he looked away. He had believed it--and why shouldn't he? He was expendable. He wasn't Sam and Dean, and the people around them died fighting for good. Sooner or later that would be his fate too, so shouldn't he get the chance to decide when that would be?
But Dean's words brought it all home how selfish that had been. It hadn't saved anyone, in the end, not when Dean had sold his soul, or when he'd taken the mark, or when Castiel had said yes to Lucifer. None of it had ever made the world better.
Dean hesitated for a moment before he let his hand slipped over to grasp the angels. "Do you know what one of the biggest things I regret is? When that douche Gadreel convinced me to turn you away when you needed me the most. I let him bully me into casting you aside when you fell and were human. You slept in a fucking closet at a gas station, Cas. What the hell kind of best friend does that? You deserve someone better than me...but I can't let you go. I need you. I know I've said it before..but it's true. I need you with me." Dean said softly trying to make Cas understand what he was trying to say.
Castiel didn't need to say that he understood, or that there hadn't been another option. He understood it now, that Sam's survival had meant more than what Castiel was going through. He'd survived. It should be enough--but he'd been tortured, assaulted, and something had been taken away from him that he hadn't ever been able to get back, just like it had been taken away from Dean by Lucifer.
But Dean invited him back into his life after everything he'd done before and since. The hand on his hand.
"Even so I... I don't know how you can stand to touch me after what I did."
"Because it wasn't you, Cas. You didn't come here and threaten me and blackmail me into sex. You were as much a victim as I was." Dean said with a heavy sigh. "I mean...I get it...you could have stopped it...and I understand why you didn't. I survived...we survived. We're survivors." Dean whispers. "And we'll figure this out..right?"
But Dean was good at surviving, really. Castiel's experience, somehow, was similar in its own way. He should believe Dean. But this was emotional, not physical survival. God couldn't just put them back together.
He looked down at their hands, frowning, then carefully reached out, turning Dean's over gently, tracing his fingers against the center of his palm.
Dean didn't really like how down Cas seemed. "Cas?" He asked softly, a note of concern. I mean Cas knows how he feels...he's said way much more than he usually does. "Do you think...we won't?" He was terrified of his answer. If Cas didn't want him he wasn't sure he would be able to handle it. It had taken so long to admit it and now he feared it would be too late. He hated Lucifer for what had happened. How he manipulated Castiel, desperate to save his friends and the world he loved. He hated him more than he hated anything else.
He looked down at their hands as Cas started to traces his palm, obviously thinking deeply.
"We'll survive," he murmured, softly, still just looking down at their hands. He didn't dare raise his eyes. The way Dean was looking at him like his heart would break if Cas said the wrong thing was hard, and Castiel needed to reassure him.
He kept tracing the lines for a moment, then released Dean's hand, reaching up to lay his fingers against his cheek and immediately bending in to kiss him. He should have done it a long time ago, and all waiting would do would be to leave another opportunity for something to come between them.
Dean leaned into Castiel's hand when it cupped his cheek. He let his eyes close, absorbing the moment when he felt lips touch his own. He gave a soft gasp and after a moment of shock pressed closer into the kiss. Their first kiss, untainted by some asshat riding Cas like a pony. Dean reached out, a hand going around Castiel's shoulders and pulling him a bit closer. This moment was a long time coming and he intended to savor it.
That was what it was, wasn't it? A first kiss--their first kiss. Lucifer was gone, and that just left Castiel trying to make up for what he'd failed to do before. His hand pressed back across Dean's cheek, sank into his hair, and he bent right up into it, tangling his fingers deeply in place, to anchor himself there.
He didn't hang about kissing his lips, but pressed his body against Dean's, slanting his mouth against him so that he could better beg for entrance with the lash of his tongue. He was eager to melt into him, meld with him, and never break away. Anything Dean wanted. Anything to make up for what had happened with Lucifer.
Dean slipped backwards, the momentum Cas generated by pressing as close as he could made it easy to let himself lean against the soft cushions. He moaned softly into the kiss, his mouth opening to the questing tongue of the angel above him. His hands tugged at Castiel's trench coat. Cas was wearing way to many clothes for his liking. While he didn't intend to go all the way...not tonight...he did want to be closer to him.
Dean was willing to do whatever he needed to do to assure Cas of just how important he was and how much the green eyed hunter loved him. "Please, Cas...don't stop."
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"Please...tell me we can try...tell me we can work past this together." His tone was pleading. He needed Cas to forgive him for letting Lucifer ruin them. Yes he knows Cas has blame, most of it in fact, but Dean is far from blameless. He needed his friend back in any capacity he could get him.
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He stared at Dean quietly, watched him almost break down, and then he stepped in toward him, placed his hand on Dean's shoulder and looked at him imploringly.
"Yes," he said, softly. "Yes, we can try. I mean--I mean, we can. Of course we can."
He dipped his eyes, miserably. Dean would have to close the rest of the distance himself.
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"We can sit on the couch maybe....it would be more comfortable."
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He really hoped it was close.
"I'm a coward, Dean. I'm sorry."
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"Yeah...you are." Dean agreed solmnly. "I understand why you did it...or rather why you thought you had too. You think you're expendable. But you're not Cas...you really aren't." Dean struggled and swallowed a few times. Talking feelings wasn't something he was good at and it made him uncomfortable in at least several dozen different ways. He swallowed again and tried to explain further.
"I've been there...it was why I sold my soul, why I took the mark...why I tried to say yes to Michael after I was shown what could happen unless I agreed. Cas I...." Dean sghed and ran a hand over his head trying to find the words to convey what he was feeling and finding none. "I'm sorry...I'm terrible at this..."
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But Dean's words brought it all home how selfish that had been. It hadn't saved anyone, in the end, not when Dean had sold his soul, or when he'd taken the mark, or when Castiel had said yes to Lucifer. None of it had ever made the world better.
"You're not as bad at it as I am."
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But Dean invited him back into his life after everything he'd done before and since. The hand on his hand.
"Even so I... I don't know how you can stand to touch me after what I did."
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But Dean was good at surviving, really. Castiel's experience, somehow, was similar in its own way. He should believe Dean. But this was emotional, not physical survival. God couldn't just put them back together.
He looked down at their hands, frowning, then carefully reached out, turning Dean's over gently, tracing his fingers against the center of his palm.
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He looked down at their hands as Cas started to traces his palm, obviously thinking deeply.
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He kept tracing the lines for a moment, then released Dean's hand, reaching up to lay his fingers against his cheek and immediately bending in to kiss him. He should have done it a long time ago, and all waiting would do would be to leave another opportunity for something to come between them.
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He didn't hang about kissing his lips, but pressed his body against Dean's, slanting his mouth against him so that he could better beg for entrance with the lash of his tongue. He was eager to melt into him, meld with him, and never break away. Anything Dean wanted. Anything to make up for what had happened with Lucifer.
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Dean was willing to do whatever he needed to do to assure Cas of just how important he was and how much the green eyed hunter loved him. "Please, Cas...don't stop."