Jesus, Dean was crying. Sam stared at him, not really sure where to start, how to approach it, so he pretended that he didn't notice, that the water crashing down on them both was hiding some of it. But as much as he lied to himself about that, Dean's voice goddamn cracked as he spoke. Lucifer had broken in here, past all their spells, it was true--and it was true that it was Sam's fault too. He'd given him the damn ticket in through the front door, and now he could do anything he wanted to Dean, no matter where they hid.
He grimaced.
"We still have the Enochian seals on our ribs. We can abandon the bunker, Dean. Maybe it won't be as easy for us to fight Amara from here, but so long as he can't get to you..." He gave his head a rough shake, and reached his hand up to Dean's shoulder, squeezing it firmly.
"Cas won't be able to forgive himself unless we try, right? We have to."
"Cas can always find me." Dean murmurs so softly the sound of the shower almost drowns it out. He knows they aren't safe, he can feel it in his bones. As much as Lucifer wants the Darkness gone, he would also love to put Sam and Dean down. No more Winchesters, no more pesky problems. No more stubborn determination to prevent what he had planned.
When Sam's hand landed on his shoulder Dean flinched. He jerked back before stilling and trying to relax. Sam wouldn't hurt him. Sam was alright. Sam can help. He took a deep breath and then turned slightly to reach for a wash cloth. He was done talking...now was the time to wash the evidence of what transpired away from his skin. If only it were as easy to wash it from his soul and memory.
"Cas..." Sam trailed off. Cas could always find Dean. Well that...that made sense. How often had they been rolling down the road and Cas had just popped into the back seat. There must be something between them, something more than Sam knew.
Cas had certainly never snuck up on Sam.
"I got it." He reached past Dean, taking the cloth down from the hook. He shook it out under the water, squeezing the hand on Dean's shoulder slightly. "I got it, okay? And just so you know I'm fine. It's not awkward. How many times did you throw me in the bath when we were young?"
Okay, so it was a little bit awkward, but Sam would get over it if it meant that Dean would be okay. Besides, if he bent over, Cas had a feeling Dean would realize how uncomfortable he really was.
Dan fought for a moment trying to strong arm the cloth from his over attentive brother before just relenting when he almost slipped on the wet tiles. Better to just let Sam do as he pleased and get it over with. Strange how that's mostly how Dean's life went. Grin, bear it, and get it over with.
They both knew it was awkward in spite of what Sam said. It was plainly obvious what happened to Dean. The bruises from Castiel's...no Lucifer's fingers, were painfully vivid on his pale skin. His hips hurt, his ass hurt, his heart hurt. His heart hurt the worst of all. He hurt for himself and he hurt for Cas...and in some ways he hurt for Sam. Sam who certainly had better things to do than clean up his older brother who just finished playing bitch to an archangel.
Sam was surprisingly gentle as he trailed the cloth over his body. He flinched when he dipped below his waist, he wanted to protest but he just swallowed it down and stood as still as he could. He had to hold back the hiss of pain that illicted when Sam cleaned between his cheeks. He didn't think anything was torn but it was sensitive to say the least.
Sam just let Dean stand still, working his way through cleaning off the come and the few splashes of blood. Dean was mostly bruised, which meant that most of his pain was inside, rather than out. Not inside physically. Sam didn't know how to deal with that, how to cope with it. Dean was meant to be the strong one, but when things like this happened he internalized, and bad things usually just got worse. Coping wasn't something that Dean did well.
So he went to town with cleaning him, scrubbing to try and get some of the feel of the archangel off him. Cas had been his friend, and Sam wasn't blind, he knew there was something there. Whether or not they'd ever been intimate or not he had no idea. He hoped they had. God... God, if Lucifer had ruined that for them...
And Sam couldn't help blaming himself. The fact was, if he hadn't gone down there, Dean and Cas would never have followed him.
Finally he reached forward and shut off the water, stepping out of the shower to drag down a towel and throwing it across Dean's shoulders.
"Come on. Dry off and get into some dry clothes, we're going to go for a drive."
Dean shook his head vhenemetly before he stepped back away from Sam. "No, Sam. I'm not going for a drive. I'm going to my room and I'm going to lie down on my stomach and I'm going to drink enough alcohol that I pass out. Tomorrow morning when I wake up we can go for a drive." His voice was hollow but his tone was absolute. He knew for absolute certainty that he would not be able to comfortably sit on the bench seat of his beloved car without feeling intense pain in his hips, lower back, and ass.
"We are not going to talk about this. Ever." He said more to try and prevent his brother from trying to get him to open up. He couldn't process this right now, he needed time to try and cope with what happened.
While he knew Cas was there...that Cas felt the pleasure..they both had felt the pain of being manipulated and forced to endure what happened. Their first time had been stolen from them and there was nothing that could be done to fix it.
Feeling a little more like himself, shock warded off for the moment, Dean tried to walk around Sam to get his robe. He needed to be away from his well meaning but overprotective brother.
"Dean--Dean, that's not what I meant by go for a drive. I mean you can lie in the back. I'll drive us somewhere just a long way away from here, put some miles on the clock, and you can get drunk and sleep and wake up in another state, a whole hell of a long way away from here.
"You don't want to be here, Dean. Not in the bunker. Not sleeping in the room next to his."
He didn't block Dean, but he did follow him, like a dog on a leash, tailing in his wake.
"Maybe if we drive far enough, we can get away from it, just for a little while. Maybe drive as far as the ocean, for once, and you don't have to do anything but lay in the back and sleep."
"No, Sam. I'm not letting some asshole archangel run me out of my home." Dean said as he pulled his robe on and tied it around his waist. "I don't want to go anywhere but to my bed. He won't come back tonight...we can wait till morning." Dean turned and looked Sam in the face. Not the eyes...he couldn't do that yet. "Please..."
He hoped Sam wouldn't make him ask again. Conversation wasn't the easiest thing at the moment and all he wanted to do was crawl into his bed, burrow beneath the blankets, and try to sleep this nightmare away.
It was the way Dean didn't look at him that killed him. Sam stared, just for a moment, and then gave up, taking a step back so that he was leaving room for Dean to go past him. He wouldn't push him any more, and god only knew that in a few hours he'd be woken by the sound of Dean screaming in his sleep.
He'd just have to deal with it when it happened. And anything else. He had to be the together one now, the older brother. He didn't know if he was ready for that, but really, what choice did he have?
Dean moved out of the bathroom and down the hall to his room. When he passed Castiel's room he couldn't control the shiver that went through him. He could feel his eyes prickling with tears again and had to force himself to walk past it and into his own. He shut the door, locked it, and went over to his dresser. He pulled on a pair of boxers, sweat pants, and a long sleeved t-shirt. After another thought he put on some socks too because...yeah he felt cold again.
Maybe he should have let Sam take him out of the bunker. No, he can do this. He won't lose the only home he's had since Bobby died. He slipped into his bed, lying on his stomach and burrowing beneath the blankets so only the top of his head was visible. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself enough to let sleep claim him. Eventually sleep claimed him and while his dreams weren't good at first...he was actually able to sleep.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
He grimaced.
"We still have the Enochian seals on our ribs. We can abandon the bunker, Dean. Maybe it won't be as easy for us to fight Amara from here, but so long as he can't get to you..." He gave his head a rough shake, and reached his hand up to Dean's shoulder, squeezing it firmly.
"Cas won't be able to forgive himself unless we try, right? We have to."
no subject
When Sam's hand landed on his shoulder Dean flinched. He jerked back before stilling and trying to relax. Sam wouldn't hurt him. Sam was alright. Sam can help. He took a deep breath and then turned slightly to reach for a wash cloth. He was done talking...now was the time to wash the evidence of what transpired away from his skin. If only it were as easy to wash it from his soul and memory.
no subject
Cas had certainly never snuck up on Sam.
"I got it." He reached past Dean, taking the cloth down from the hook. He shook it out under the water, squeezing the hand on Dean's shoulder slightly. "I got it, okay? And just so you know I'm fine. It's not awkward. How many times did you throw me in the bath when we were young?"
Okay, so it was a little bit awkward, but Sam would get over it if it meant that Dean would be okay. Besides, if he bent over, Cas had a feeling Dean would realize how uncomfortable he really was.
no subject
They both knew it was awkward in spite of what Sam said. It was plainly obvious what happened to Dean. The bruises from Castiel's...no Lucifer's fingers, were painfully vivid on his pale skin. His hips hurt, his ass hurt, his heart hurt. His heart hurt the worst of all. He hurt for himself and he hurt for Cas...and in some ways he hurt for Sam. Sam who certainly had better things to do than clean up his older brother who just finished playing bitch to an archangel.
Sam was surprisingly gentle as he trailed the cloth over his body. He flinched when he dipped below his waist, he wanted to protest but he just swallowed it down and stood as still as he could. He had to hold back the hiss of pain that illicted when Sam cleaned between his cheeks. He didn't think anything was torn but it was sensitive to say the least.
no subject
So he went to town with cleaning him, scrubbing to try and get some of the feel of the archangel off him. Cas had been his friend, and Sam wasn't blind, he knew there was something there. Whether or not they'd ever been intimate or not he had no idea. He hoped they had. God... God, if Lucifer had ruined that for them...
And Sam couldn't help blaming himself. The fact was, if he hadn't gone down there, Dean and Cas would never have followed him.
Finally he reached forward and shut off the water, stepping out of the shower to drag down a towel and throwing it across Dean's shoulders.
"Come on. Dry off and get into some dry clothes, we're going to go for a drive."
no subject
"We are not going to talk about this. Ever." He said more to try and prevent his brother from trying to get him to open up. He couldn't process this right now, he needed time to try and cope with what happened.
While he knew Cas was there...that Cas felt the pleasure..they both had felt the pain of being manipulated and forced to endure what happened. Their first time had been stolen from them and there was nothing that could be done to fix it.
Feeling a little more like himself, shock warded off for the moment, Dean tried to walk around Sam to get his robe. He needed to be away from his well meaning but overprotective brother.
no subject
"You don't want to be here, Dean. Not in the bunker. Not sleeping in the room next to his."
He didn't block Dean, but he did follow him, like a dog on a leash, tailing in his wake.
"Maybe if we drive far enough, we can get away from it, just for a little while. Maybe drive as far as the ocean, for once, and you don't have to do anything but lay in the back and sleep."
no subject
He hoped Sam wouldn't make him ask again. Conversation wasn't the easiest thing at the moment and all he wanted to do was crawl into his bed, burrow beneath the blankets, and try to sleep this nightmare away.
no subject
It was the way Dean didn't look at him that killed him. Sam stared, just for a moment, and then gave up, taking a step back so that he was leaving room for Dean to go past him. He wouldn't push him any more, and god only knew that in a few hours he'd be woken by the sound of Dean screaming in his sleep.
He'd just have to deal with it when it happened. And anything else. He had to be the together one now, the older brother. He didn't know if he was ready for that, but really, what choice did he have?
"Okay. I guess I'll be out here if you need me."
no subject
Maybe he should have let Sam take him out of the bunker. No, he can do this. He won't lose the only home he's had since Bobby died. He slipped into his bed, lying on his stomach and burrowing beneath the blankets so only the top of his head was visible. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself enough to let sleep claim him. Eventually sleep claimed him and while his dreams weren't good at first...he was actually able to sleep.