Dean fell forward uncaring of the mess he landed in. He didn't mind much at the moment, his focus instead on the one beside him. He glanced over at Lucifer his eyes full of hatred and fire in spite of everything that had occurred.
"You're the one who came here, asshole. It wasn't like I was out looking for you." Maybe not directly at least. He'd been looking for a way to save Cas and stop the Darkness, but not overtly looking for the angel himself.
How dare he come here to his home, blackmail him into sex, then act as though he was the one at fault.
"If you think this will make me stop you're insane as well as stupid." Dean mutters to him. He wasn't prepared for what the archangel did just then. The gentle kiss was almost the worst thing to happen to him that night. He knew it was used to throw him off and yet still he couldn't separate the hope and wish that it was Cas giving it too him and not Lucifer.
When the devil pulled away Dean just turned his head away so he could hide the shame on his face. "Get out." His voice was strong in spite of the way he actually felt. How could he have let this happen. If they were in his room he might have been able to do something but alas they were in Castiel's room.
Sam had forgotten his phone, and so he came back rather than heading on for his first stop, to pick it up before he set off again. He came in just as Lucifer was leaving, flinching at the way he grinned viciously at him before galloping up the stairs and into the night.
Sam barely had time to react. He'd come in expecting just Dean, and he hadn't even had his angel blade with him, God knew what would have happened if Lucifer had meant him harm, but Sam is suddenly struck with panic. He sets off through the bunker at top speed, checking the kitchen, then Dean's room, then stumbling past Castiel's before changing his mind and doubling back.
He stumbles in, and then almost immediately to a stop, not sure how to cope with what he's seeing.
Dean had managed to shift onto his side, ignoring the twinge in his hips and the pain radiating from a very sensitive area. He didn't register Sam calling his name or the door opening further signaling his brother's arrival. He did hear him when he spoke again though.
"Sammy? No...don't..." Dean tried to curl in tighter to hide himself from his brothers gaze. It was bad enough he'd allowed this to happen but for Sam to find out cut him deep. He never wanted Sam to find out about this night. "I'm fine...you can go."
Sam froze in the doorway. He should have looked away right away but... Jesus, the state of him. Given the way Cas had looked at him, and Dean lying curled up on the bed, butt naked, there was no doubt in Hell what had transpired. He was revolted, and Dean looked freaking horrified, but it was also clear his brother's shame and pain stopped him moving very far.
He pressed forward, ignoring his brother's request for him to go and coming right to Dean's side. He reached up and pulled the spare blanket down, shaking it out over Dean at once to hide his shame.
"It's fine. I'm fine." Dean kept saying even though he refused to meet Sam's gaze. He didn't even realize that he was shaking until the warmth of the blanket penetrated his awareness. He was disgusted with himself because he'd allowed Lucifer to take what he wanted. He had allowed the devil to use both his and Castiel's love for one another to destroy them both. One thing Dean knew for sure is that when Amara finds out, and he has no dounlit that she will, she just might obliterate the archangels vessel thus destroying Cas.
The thought made him want to rage and weep at the same time. "I'm fine Sam. You can go now." Dean said once more as the shock set in. He sat up slowly. He needed a shower. He needed to be clean. He tried to stand and wobbled a bit before finding his feet. Seemingly uncaring that he was nude, that Sam was right there and that he was covered in come and bruises, Dean limped passed Sam towards the showers.
Yeah, no. Dean was not even remotely fine, and...and Sam didn't have anyone else to go to. He didn't have anyone to reach out to any more to ask for help. Bobby was gone, Cas was gone, and Dean was the one who was hurting. There was nobody else. He felt a kind of pitiful desperation, watching his brother stand back up like some kind of zombie, pale with shock and filthy from whatever Lucifer had done to him. God, he felt sick, who even knew how Dean must feel about it. If he could even feel at all right now, which would surprise him.
No. Definitely no actual feeling was happening here.
Sam turned to pursue him, grabbing the blanket again as he went and rushing after Dean, pushing it back over his shoulders.
"You're not fine," he growled. "You're going into shock." Even just saying the words out loud frightened him. What would he do without Dean? What would he do if he lost it entirely? "We've gotta get you warm."
Yikes, sorry about the word failing...dounlit was supposed to be doubt
Dean was most assuredly going into shock, thank goodness Sam is there and able to help him. Even if he's too stubborn to realize he needs it. Dean keeps walking even as Sam follows him making sure the blanket stays on him. It's not until he tries to walk into the bathroom that he tries to shake Sam off.
"Sam I'm fine....get off." Dean said trying to pull away. He needs to be clean, the hot water will warm him up, surely Sam can let him get a shower alone. He wants to save what little dignity he had left. In some part of his mind he realizes he's probably worse off than he thinks he is but it's not registering. Sam probably shouldn't leave him alone even if that's what Dean really wants right now.
Dean is like that. Stubborn, determined; it wasn't like he'd ever known what was good for him, always fixed on being the strong one when he'd faced so much evil before Sam even knew what the word 'evil' was. Or any words, actually. Dean had been traumatized right from the start, but Sam had never seen it, never acknowledged it. And here Dean was, hurting, unable to take care of himself because he didn't know how, but stubborning his way through it like he could fight it just by wishing that he was bigger. The same as he had with the Mark, right up until that fight with Death.
Honestly, he still wasn't over that, but he was putting it behind him now, pressing in after Dean even though he tried to put the shower door between them. He was bigger, and he could force the issue if he wanted, reaching past Dean to shove the hot water on and instantly drenching them both.
"There, see? I'm already wet. Now you can't get rid of me." He said it firmly, but then he reached for Dean's arms to steady him. "Hey. Hey, it's okay. He's not getting back in here. I don't care what we have to do. You're safe now, Dean."
Dean almost stumbled backwards when Sam muscled his way into the shower stall, he hadn't expected his little brother to put up such a big fight. Dean figured it would be like all the other times where he swallowed down his own pain, where he played off the shock and ran on auto pilot for a bit, where he could just scrub himself raw and try not to think about the shit storm that was his life ever since that fateful night in Kansas all those years ago. Essentially made a parent at four years old. Dean had never had a childhood...but he'd never blamed Sam. He'd done everything he possibly could think of to make sure his little brother never knew just how broken they were. Just how broken he himself was.
He'd hoped that Sam would listen, see the roses and ignore the dying vines behind them. That he would take Dean for his word, that he was fine, and go about his day. Part of him wanted his brother to forget what he'd seen. To forget how weak he was. Another part of him was grateful Sam saw..that he didn't have to try and hide just how much it hurt.
The hot water hit the blanket and then his skin and in seconds both he and Sam were drenched. Too hot...the water was too hot and he fumbled behind his back with the knob to add some cold to it. He didn't argue, didn't try to force Sam out. He didn't speak again until Sam said they were safe. His eyes prickled and tears fell without his consent. Of course the water from the shower head hid the fact he was crying.
"No, Sam. We're not safe. He walked in here...right past whatever wards you set up. He said you gave him the master key. There isn't anywhere we can go that he can't find us." The unspoken 'can't find me' hung in the air. Castiel always knew how and where to find Dean. They were bound after all. With Lucifer having access to that...Dean was pretty damn certain there was literally nothing he could do to hide from the fallen Archangel.
Jesus, Dean was crying. Sam stared at him, not really sure where to start, how to approach it, so he pretended that he didn't notice, that the water crashing down on them both was hiding some of it. But as much as he lied to himself about that, Dean's voice goddamn cracked as he spoke. Lucifer had broken in here, past all their spells, it was true--and it was true that it was Sam's fault too. He'd given him the damn ticket in through the front door, and now he could do anything he wanted to Dean, no matter where they hid.
He grimaced.
"We still have the Enochian seals on our ribs. We can abandon the bunker, Dean. Maybe it won't be as easy for us to fight Amara from here, but so long as he can't get to you..." He gave his head a rough shake, and reached his hand up to Dean's shoulder, squeezing it firmly.
"Cas won't be able to forgive himself unless we try, right? We have to."
"Cas can always find me." Dean murmurs so softly the sound of the shower almost drowns it out. He knows they aren't safe, he can feel it in his bones. As much as Lucifer wants the Darkness gone, he would also love to put Sam and Dean down. No more Winchesters, no more pesky problems. No more stubborn determination to prevent what he had planned.
When Sam's hand landed on his shoulder Dean flinched. He jerked back before stilling and trying to relax. Sam wouldn't hurt him. Sam was alright. Sam can help. He took a deep breath and then turned slightly to reach for a wash cloth. He was done talking...now was the time to wash the evidence of what transpired away from his skin. If only it were as easy to wash it from his soul and memory.
"Cas..." Sam trailed off. Cas could always find Dean. Well that...that made sense. How often had they been rolling down the road and Cas had just popped into the back seat. There must be something between them, something more than Sam knew.
Cas had certainly never snuck up on Sam.
"I got it." He reached past Dean, taking the cloth down from the hook. He shook it out under the water, squeezing the hand on Dean's shoulder slightly. "I got it, okay? And just so you know I'm fine. It's not awkward. How many times did you throw me in the bath when we were young?"
Okay, so it was a little bit awkward, but Sam would get over it if it meant that Dean would be okay. Besides, if he bent over, Cas had a feeling Dean would realize how uncomfortable he really was.
Dan fought for a moment trying to strong arm the cloth from his over attentive brother before just relenting when he almost slipped on the wet tiles. Better to just let Sam do as he pleased and get it over with. Strange how that's mostly how Dean's life went. Grin, bear it, and get it over with.
They both knew it was awkward in spite of what Sam said. It was plainly obvious what happened to Dean. The bruises from Castiel's...no Lucifer's fingers, were painfully vivid on his pale skin. His hips hurt, his ass hurt, his heart hurt. His heart hurt the worst of all. He hurt for himself and he hurt for Cas...and in some ways he hurt for Sam. Sam who certainly had better things to do than clean up his older brother who just finished playing bitch to an archangel.
Sam was surprisingly gentle as he trailed the cloth over his body. He flinched when he dipped below his waist, he wanted to protest but he just swallowed it down and stood as still as he could. He had to hold back the hiss of pain that illicted when Sam cleaned between his cheeks. He didn't think anything was torn but it was sensitive to say the least.
Sam just let Dean stand still, working his way through cleaning off the come and the few splashes of blood. Dean was mostly bruised, which meant that most of his pain was inside, rather than out. Not inside physically. Sam didn't know how to deal with that, how to cope with it. Dean was meant to be the strong one, but when things like this happened he internalized, and bad things usually just got worse. Coping wasn't something that Dean did well.
So he went to town with cleaning him, scrubbing to try and get some of the feel of the archangel off him. Cas had been his friend, and Sam wasn't blind, he knew there was something there. Whether or not they'd ever been intimate or not he had no idea. He hoped they had. God... God, if Lucifer had ruined that for them...
And Sam couldn't help blaming himself. The fact was, if he hadn't gone down there, Dean and Cas would never have followed him.
Finally he reached forward and shut off the water, stepping out of the shower to drag down a towel and throwing it across Dean's shoulders.
"Come on. Dry off and get into some dry clothes, we're going to go for a drive."
Dean shook his head vhenemetly before he stepped back away from Sam. "No, Sam. I'm not going for a drive. I'm going to my room and I'm going to lie down on my stomach and I'm going to drink enough alcohol that I pass out. Tomorrow morning when I wake up we can go for a drive." His voice was hollow but his tone was absolute. He knew for absolute certainty that he would not be able to comfortably sit on the bench seat of his beloved car without feeling intense pain in his hips, lower back, and ass.
"We are not going to talk about this. Ever." He said more to try and prevent his brother from trying to get him to open up. He couldn't process this right now, he needed time to try and cope with what happened.
While he knew Cas was there...that Cas felt the pleasure..they both had felt the pain of being manipulated and forced to endure what happened. Their first time had been stolen from them and there was nothing that could be done to fix it.
Feeling a little more like himself, shock warded off for the moment, Dean tried to walk around Sam to get his robe. He needed to be away from his well meaning but overprotective brother.
"Dean--Dean, that's not what I meant by go for a drive. I mean you can lie in the back. I'll drive us somewhere just a long way away from here, put some miles on the clock, and you can get drunk and sleep and wake up in another state, a whole hell of a long way away from here.
"You don't want to be here, Dean. Not in the bunker. Not sleeping in the room next to his."
He didn't block Dean, but he did follow him, like a dog on a leash, tailing in his wake.
"Maybe if we drive far enough, we can get away from it, just for a little while. Maybe drive as far as the ocean, for once, and you don't have to do anything but lay in the back and sleep."
"No, Sam. I'm not letting some asshole archangel run me out of my home." Dean said as he pulled his robe on and tied it around his waist. "I don't want to go anywhere but to my bed. He won't come back tonight...we can wait till morning." Dean turned and looked Sam in the face. Not the eyes...he couldn't do that yet. "Please..."
He hoped Sam wouldn't make him ask again. Conversation wasn't the easiest thing at the moment and all he wanted to do was crawl into his bed, burrow beneath the blankets, and try to sleep this nightmare away.
It was the way Dean didn't look at him that killed him. Sam stared, just for a moment, and then gave up, taking a step back so that he was leaving room for Dean to go past him. He wouldn't push him any more, and god only knew that in a few hours he'd be woken by the sound of Dean screaming in his sleep.
He'd just have to deal with it when it happened. And anything else. He had to be the together one now, the older brother. He didn't know if he was ready for that, but really, what choice did he have?
Dean moved out of the bathroom and down the hall to his room. When he passed Castiel's room he couldn't control the shiver that went through him. He could feel his eyes prickling with tears again and had to force himself to walk past it and into his own. He shut the door, locked it, and went over to his dresser. He pulled on a pair of boxers, sweat pants, and a long sleeved t-shirt. After another thought he put on some socks too because...yeah he felt cold again.
Maybe he should have let Sam take him out of the bunker. No, he can do this. He won't lose the only home he's had since Bobby died. He slipped into his bed, lying on his stomach and burrowing beneath the blankets so only the top of his head was visible. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself enough to let sleep claim him. Eventually sleep claimed him and while his dreams weren't good at first...he was actually able to sleep.
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"You're the one who came here, asshole. It wasn't like I was out looking for you." Maybe not directly at least. He'd been looking for a way to save Cas and stop the Darkness, but not overtly looking for the angel himself.
How dare he come here to his home, blackmail him into sex, then act as though he was the one at fault.
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He reached forward, patting Dean's cheek, and bent in, turning his head very slightly, looking at him with Castiel's blue eyes.
"Your friend betrayed you, but he did it to save the world, Dean. I think you should bear his wishes in mind."
He didn't leave Dean behind. Instead he bent right in, pressing his mouth against Dean's in, surprisingly, the gentlest possible, lingering kiss.
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When the devil pulled away Dean just turned his head away so he could hide the shame on his face. "Get out." His voice was strong in spite of the way he actually felt. How could he have let this happen. If they were in his room he might have been able to do something but alas they were in Castiel's room.
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Sam barely had time to react. He'd come in expecting just Dean, and he hadn't even had his angel blade with him, God knew what would have happened if Lucifer had meant him harm, but Sam is suddenly struck with panic. He sets off through the bunker at top speed, checking the kitchen, then Dean's room, then stumbling past Castiel's before changing his mind and doubling back.
He stumbles in, and then almost immediately to a stop, not sure how to cope with what he's seeing.
"Dean?"
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"Sammy? No...don't..." Dean tried to curl in tighter to hide himself from his brothers gaze. It was bad enough he'd allowed this to happen but for Sam to find out cut him deep. He never wanted Sam to find out about this night. "I'm fine...you can go."
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He pressed forward, ignoring his brother's request for him to go and coming right to Dean's side. He reached up and pulled the spare blanket down, shaking it out over Dean at once to hide his shame.
"Hey. Hey, it's alright. He's gone. God, Dean. Oh God."
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The thought made him want to rage and weep at the same time. "I'm fine Sam. You can go now." Dean said once more as the shock set in. He sat up slowly. He needed a shower. He needed to be clean. He tried to stand and wobbled a bit before finding his feet. Seemingly uncaring that he was nude, that Sam was right there and that he was covered in come and bruises, Dean limped passed Sam towards the showers.
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No. Definitely no actual feeling was happening here.
Sam turned to pursue him, grabbing the blanket again as he went and rushing after Dean, pushing it back over his shoulders.
"You're not fine," he growled. "You're going into shock." Even just saying the words out loud frightened him. What would he do without Dean? What would he do if he lost it entirely? "We've gotta get you warm."
Yikes, sorry about the word failing...dounlit was supposed to be doubt
"Sam I'm fine....get off." Dean said trying to pull away. He needs to be clean, the hot water will warm him up, surely Sam can let him get a shower alone. He wants to save what little dignity he had left. In some part of his mind he realizes he's probably worse off than he thinks he is but it's not registering. Sam probably shouldn't leave him alone even if that's what Dean really wants right now.
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Honestly, he still wasn't over that, but he was putting it behind him now, pressing in after Dean even though he tried to put the shower door between them. He was bigger, and he could force the issue if he wanted, reaching past Dean to shove the hot water on and instantly drenching them both.
"There, see? I'm already wet. Now you can't get rid of me." He said it firmly, but then he reached for Dean's arms to steady him. "Hey. Hey, it's okay. He's not getting back in here. I don't care what we have to do. You're safe now, Dean."
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He'd hoped that Sam would listen, see the roses and ignore the dying vines behind them. That he would take Dean for his word, that he was fine, and go about his day. Part of him wanted his brother to forget what he'd seen. To forget how weak he was. Another part of him was grateful Sam saw..that he didn't have to try and hide just how much it hurt.
The hot water hit the blanket and then his skin and in seconds both he and Sam were drenched. Too hot...the water was too hot and he fumbled behind his back with the knob to add some cold to it. He didn't argue, didn't try to force Sam out. He didn't speak again until Sam said they were safe. His eyes prickled and tears fell without his consent. Of course the water from the shower head hid the fact he was crying.
"No, Sam. We're not safe. He walked in here...right past whatever wards you set up. He said you gave him the master key. There isn't anywhere we can go that he can't find us." The unspoken 'can't find me' hung in the air. Castiel always knew how and where to find Dean. They were bound after all. With Lucifer having access to that...Dean was pretty damn certain there was literally nothing he could do to hide from the fallen Archangel.
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He grimaced.
"We still have the Enochian seals on our ribs. We can abandon the bunker, Dean. Maybe it won't be as easy for us to fight Amara from here, but so long as he can't get to you..." He gave his head a rough shake, and reached his hand up to Dean's shoulder, squeezing it firmly.
"Cas won't be able to forgive himself unless we try, right? We have to."
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When Sam's hand landed on his shoulder Dean flinched. He jerked back before stilling and trying to relax. Sam wouldn't hurt him. Sam was alright. Sam can help. He took a deep breath and then turned slightly to reach for a wash cloth. He was done talking...now was the time to wash the evidence of what transpired away from his skin. If only it were as easy to wash it from his soul and memory.
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Cas had certainly never snuck up on Sam.
"I got it." He reached past Dean, taking the cloth down from the hook. He shook it out under the water, squeezing the hand on Dean's shoulder slightly. "I got it, okay? And just so you know I'm fine. It's not awkward. How many times did you throw me in the bath when we were young?"
Okay, so it was a little bit awkward, but Sam would get over it if it meant that Dean would be okay. Besides, if he bent over, Cas had a feeling Dean would realize how uncomfortable he really was.
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They both knew it was awkward in spite of what Sam said. It was plainly obvious what happened to Dean. The bruises from Castiel's...no Lucifer's fingers, were painfully vivid on his pale skin. His hips hurt, his ass hurt, his heart hurt. His heart hurt the worst of all. He hurt for himself and he hurt for Cas...and in some ways he hurt for Sam. Sam who certainly had better things to do than clean up his older brother who just finished playing bitch to an archangel.
Sam was surprisingly gentle as he trailed the cloth over his body. He flinched when he dipped below his waist, he wanted to protest but he just swallowed it down and stood as still as he could. He had to hold back the hiss of pain that illicted when Sam cleaned between his cheeks. He didn't think anything was torn but it was sensitive to say the least.
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So he went to town with cleaning him, scrubbing to try and get some of the feel of the archangel off him. Cas had been his friend, and Sam wasn't blind, he knew there was something there. Whether or not they'd ever been intimate or not he had no idea. He hoped they had. God... God, if Lucifer had ruined that for them...
And Sam couldn't help blaming himself. The fact was, if he hadn't gone down there, Dean and Cas would never have followed him.
Finally he reached forward and shut off the water, stepping out of the shower to drag down a towel and throwing it across Dean's shoulders.
"Come on. Dry off and get into some dry clothes, we're going to go for a drive."
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"We are not going to talk about this. Ever." He said more to try and prevent his brother from trying to get him to open up. He couldn't process this right now, he needed time to try and cope with what happened.
While he knew Cas was there...that Cas felt the pleasure..they both had felt the pain of being manipulated and forced to endure what happened. Their first time had been stolen from them and there was nothing that could be done to fix it.
Feeling a little more like himself, shock warded off for the moment, Dean tried to walk around Sam to get his robe. He needed to be away from his well meaning but overprotective brother.
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"You don't want to be here, Dean. Not in the bunker. Not sleeping in the room next to his."
He didn't block Dean, but he did follow him, like a dog on a leash, tailing in his wake.
"Maybe if we drive far enough, we can get away from it, just for a little while. Maybe drive as far as the ocean, for once, and you don't have to do anything but lay in the back and sleep."
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He hoped Sam wouldn't make him ask again. Conversation wasn't the easiest thing at the moment and all he wanted to do was crawl into his bed, burrow beneath the blankets, and try to sleep this nightmare away.
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It was the way Dean didn't look at him that killed him. Sam stared, just for a moment, and then gave up, taking a step back so that he was leaving room for Dean to go past him. He wouldn't push him any more, and god only knew that in a few hours he'd be woken by the sound of Dean screaming in his sleep.
He'd just have to deal with it when it happened. And anything else. He had to be the together one now, the older brother. He didn't know if he was ready for that, but really, what choice did he have?
"Okay. I guess I'll be out here if you need me."
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Maybe he should have let Sam take him out of the bunker. No, he can do this. He won't lose the only home he's had since Bobby died. He slipped into his bed, lying on his stomach and burrowing beneath the blankets so only the top of his head was visible. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself enough to let sleep claim him. Eventually sleep claimed him and while his dreams weren't good at first...he was actually able to sleep.